Made Up Horoscopes

I wrote these for a student magazine (Qmunicate which appears to have evolved into a blog I have affiliation with what so ever.) about 10 years ago. Just found them on a hard drive I’ve not used in almost that long… I don’t believe in horoscopes and I think anyone who follows the advice detailed herein is doubly mad, first for listening to my advice on horoscopes and secondly for actually believing in horoscopes.

They are I believe an amusing read though, so enjoy.

Horoscope 1:

Aries:

Destiny shines on you, stop to look at the flower in the road to avoid the bigger picture, avoid black, and denim.

Gemini:

The wall ahead of you is really a door, dry your pants before putting them on, 34 for luck.

Cancer:

Beware the beast within, a monkey in the cage is better than a rhino in the living room, blue ribbons for wealth and prosperity .

Libra:

Is that a penny in your pocket or a chocolate button, better check before it melts, 73 and red are your friends.

Taurus:

Waiting by the phone wont do, go there and break down the door, your totem is the badger this month.

Leo:

You face a hard decision, feel up both options before smoothly gliding through trouble free, believe what you see on TV it may save your life.

Virgo:

Beware of Romans bearing cherries, the may look sweet but you will choke on the pip, brown is not your color.

Sagittarius:

Under the apple tree is shady, but beware newton will have his revenge, when it hits you on the head remember the good thing is you can eat it.

Capricorn:

Be carful not to blow your own horn, Get somone else to blow it for you, the world is not as simple as you think, pay attention to the little things.

Aquarius:

Remember the fountain of youth does not overflow freely, enjoy it while you can, a watched pot never boils an ignored one boils over immediately.

Pisces:

Swim Against the flow, but remember unlike a salmon you wont die after getting laid, a tragedy does not the Armageddon make.

Scorpio:

Every rose has it’s thorn but sometimes a little pain can be good for the soul, who knows you might enjoy it, but avoid Rubber at all costs.

Horoscope 2:

Aeries:

The Sky may seem to be falling but before you cry wolf and make an arse of yourself, double check. Beware of false profecies, and men with beards. Anger is not the path, calm down and have a pint. 10 for luck, green for love, but you cant have both.

Cancer:
Urinating in a direction which is in direct opposition to that of the wind may proove to be a bad idea. Don’t fight the inevitable go with the flow and be happy. Why are you thinking about Avacados?

Scorpio:

No need to lie in wait, this game of cat and mouse is getting tiresome. Leap out and sieze the catch, but beware mice with shotguns. 2 is not your lucky number this month, and be nice to people with red tops.
Sagitarius:

Try not to trip on that step its a big one, you may need to rethink things from here on, laugh at a beached whale at your own peril it may be filled with dynamite. never eat 6 doughnuts in a row, it will be make you ill.

Gemini:

Stop trying to be in two places at once, being sceduled to be in a lecture while you are in the pub does not count as attending the lecture, go tot he pub before the lecture it will make it more interesting. 1 seems lucky for you but is it?

Taurus:

Nobody ever slips on a banana peel, leave your superstition behind, trust in what you trust, and defy all else. Remeber that trying to milk a bull is pointless, unless you want salty milk. trust not those who say 9.

Libra:

Feel chained down by reality? probably beause you are, escape to that place where your inner elephant dances the macerena and feel true freedom. 4 is the gateway to your dreams.

Leo:

Orion’s belt is unbuckling, thankfully Uranus is in the way, the path to obscenity lies South, the path to obscurity is elsewhere. the Number 5 will have some relevence to you in the near future.

Virgo:

Remember that time you did that thing, with that person? It’s going to come back and haunt you, but it might turn out all right if you don’t wear blue. Your luck with numbers goes in an inverse proportion to their distance from 58.

Capricorn:

A new kind of medicine is headed your way, whether you take it or not will affect the rest of your life, be it for better of worse. Not all cures kill but some can. 7 seems lucky but it’s not.

Aquarius:

Believe you can win and you might not, try as hard as you can, you might still fail. But to be quite frank fuck it, if you dont try you are garanteed to fail, trust the two B’s, and eat a walnut, it may save your life.

Pisces:

Do you feel like your shadow is stalking you? It might be, detach yourself from the bonds of truth, it is time to fake it. Lemons though sour can be good for you. 46 for luck.

Horoscope 3:

Aries:

A stitch in time saves time, but you’d rather be sowing your seeds than sewing your jeans wouldn’t you. Do what you will, you have time for needle work later. Your lucky number is a prime number with 54 digits you are going to have to figure it out to benifit from it though. Orange socks might help your technique if you know what I mean.

Gemini:

Have you missed your train or are you early for the next one? Life is a matter of perspective, but none of that half empty half full glass shit just drink your beer. 96 for luck but beware clothing that bears it. An over abundance of blue will cramp your style.

Cancer:

Ever seen a mongoose fly? No? Well thats because they can’t. Know your limitations and you will soar to unseen heights. A number in the range of 23 to 34 will bring a smile to your face. Avoid magenta like it were a plague of rabid dogs it will be the end of you, or maybe a new begining.

Libra:

Too many options ahead of you single one out and strike like a patriot missile, chances are you’ll miss but if you try enough times you’ll get there eventually. A relative of yours will enjoy the number 62. Black and white stripes weigh heavy on your future, whether this is good or bad I cannot say, but it will be important.

Taurus:

Embrace what little serenity you can find, the usurping chaos that surrounds you will pass and you will be stronger for it. When somone convinces you to snort pepper through a £10 note, exhale… 78 for luck, 79 for a lick your choice. I’m having touble describing your lucky color it is one you are not used to, but it will be a good thing.

Leo:

Like the string you must be flexible, able to roll yourself into a little ball or stretch yourself out to news lengths, but remember you limits you are not a bungie chord. Stray away from the number 1 and it’s multiples. Wear too much brown and you will feel out of place, but being out of place can sometimes put other people in their place, is that what you want to do?

Virgo:

This month your pristene existence is sullied by a new factor, but is it dirt or the grease you need to moove smoothly onwards? Somtimes it’s good to be a little dirty. 12 is one less than 13 but is it any better? Pink below the waist? Surely not! I can say little else but this, be free, or you’ll see.

Sagittarius:

Trying may be the first step on the road to failure but you can never succeed at something you dont try, it’s fucked up but thats life. I am sad to say that numerology will have no affect on you this month, go for letters. Green walls will make your life interesting, but green hills will make it better

Capricorn:

Sticking your head in the dirt like an ostridge is not gonna keep you safe, the market for ostridge steaks is too high. Run free but dont snort cheese. A man with 3 l’s in his name will bring you good fortune, but beware an over abundance of e’s. Taste the rainbow, then spit it out, that shits not for you.

Aquarius:

Dont believe everything the man in the yellow hat tells you, he may look suspicious, but he is. Veer to the left and strike while the iron is cold, I own no yellow hats honest. 5 is a round number isn’t it doesn’t it look pretty, especially in red.

Pisces:

A duck in the hand can lead to some very nasty bites, leave it in the bush with it’s friend because it’s not worth the hassle. Besides you might need both hands free for something else. 2 is your lucky number this month, although you want it to be 3. Grey Clouds are not a bad sign for once embrace the rain but bring a brolly.

Scorpio:

You really want to fight the power, but the power keeps the lights on, is it a paradox or do you need a new preoccupation? Dont swim against the flow swim perpendicular to it, reach the shore and leave the river entirely. An ominous warning about the number 40 clouds your month, sunshine comes from 29, in all it’s amber radiance.

Horoscopes 4:

Gemini (20th May – 20th June)
Beware a sudden insurgence of stuffed toys into your life, they may be plush and cute but keep those small parts away from young children – you know what I mean. 12 for luck and green for happiness.

Leo (22nd July – 22nd August)
Keep a stern face, even when someone flicks mayo in it with a spoon and your wishes may come true, just be sure it’s mayo, ‘cause anything else could make your life messy. White is bad but the obvious opposite, black, is not good either; try something that doesn’t involve grey.

Virgo (23rd August – 21st September)
A boot on the foot is better than one in the face, be careful what you say and around whom you say it. One wrong word could make all the difference, but the right one could also be a bad thing. Immerse yourself in pink, but only metaphorically; don’t wear any, it’ll cramp your style, try maroon, but only once.

Libra (22nd September – 22nd October)
Stay away from ornithologists, if you are an ornithologist spend some time contemplating the world around you, and stay away from other Libras. You don’t want to know what else is in store for you experience it as it comes. Find a number you like and stick to it, it will bring you luck.

Scorpio (23rd October – 21st November)
A storm is headed your way, be sure to carry an emotional umbrella at all times – you’ll need it, but make sure it doesn’t act as a lightning rod for bad vibes. Bad vibes can turn into an earthquake and where would you be then? Brown is the colour of the earth that quakes; steer away from it, a more active colour is required, don’t choose 9.

Sagittarius (22nd November – 21st December)
Get up and stand up for your rights; you’ve been a push over recently and it’s time to bounce back up and smack the pushers in the face. A bit of spine is good for the soul, and makes nice soup, so i hear. Splash out on some new clothes, your old ones are fading. 0870 50 50 007 for a good time I think…

Capricorn (22nd December – 19th January)
Make up your mind, time waits for no man or woman or whatever you think you are, if you don’t choose soon you’ll end up with nothing (like the rat that starved ‘cause it couldn’t decide which bit of cheese to eat first). Your usual lucky number is wrong this month try another one, it’ll do you better.

Aquarius (20th January – 17th February)
Feeling a bit airy-fairy? Life seems to be passing you by at a great speed and there’s nothing you can do about it? I wonder why? Get a grip, and snap back into reality cause if you don’t it’s gonna move on without you. Dark colours are not your friends this month; be vibrant, be bright, but don’t wear yellow. 0 is your hero this month.

Pisces (18th February – 19th March)
Better spear that problem you know is gonna pop up, before it develops into something that could destroy your world. But then again is your world worth saving? Trust in the even numbers which start with 8 and end in 1. I know what you are thinking, but believe me I’m right.

Aries (20th March – 19th April)
Next time you blow your nose do it facing east and good fortune will be yours. Numbers between 65 and 66 (non-inclusive) and the colour red for good luck.

Taurus (20th April – 19th May)

Spit in the eye of fate and charge head first into destiny, you may not like what you find there but at least you’ll be somewhere that isn’t where you are now. Don’t wear blue this month, it could make someone angry.

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