Final Fantasy ATB: Possibly the Worst Game Ever Created

20140116-180848.jpg
If I pitched this game to you right I could see you thinking this was a game with tons of potential.
Play through a streamlined Final Fantasy game on you iPhone!
Fast paced combat featuring up to 40 characters at a time!
Unlock your favourite characters from the Final Fantasy universe!
It sounds good doesn’t it? Well it’s not… This game is a steaming pile of horse manure dressed up as a game, and the costume department is t even that good.
Final Fantasy ATB consists of battle after battle with enemies from various FF games, and you do, technically, get to control up to 40 characters… Only by control I mean furiously rub the screen with no semblance of thought or strategy.
You control an increasing number and variety of FF archetypes and presumably when you unlock them named characters from the FF universe. Tap a character to attack, and the. The character has to wait a little while to attack again. Any character who gets hit is immediately eliminated.
You might start by tapping, you’ll soon discover that you can just as easily just run your finger over the screen to achieve the same if not a more effective result. Your characters will one by one die and you’ll have wait for them to to revive which happens at a rate of one every 3 minutes.
That’s it. That is the gameplay. You essentially masturbate your phone to kill enemies.
Oh and you can spend money to get more characters. It’s like Squeenix didn’t even bother trying, they aren’t phoning in this performance, they are are making a collect call to their canvass and asking them to phone it in for them.
Do you want a particular character? Too bad the character you get when you spend money is RANDOMIZED! It’s like those gumball capsule toy vending machines.
This is extortion plain and simple, there is no game here just some animated pixel art and a means for FF fans to give Squeenjx money for nothing.
The worrying thing is that this game has over 100 five star reviews on the iTunes App Store.

This Video Makes Me Want An Apple 5!

I really hope this isn’t a scripted parody… Sam Roberts interviews some one in the queue for an iPhone 5.

This video is also by Sam, interviewing an occupy Wall Street, protester.

Via Albotas

Lodnon 2102 Oimplycs

Oimplycs Squares

I love the idea behind this, I’ve personally not been effected by LOCOG’s draconian policy of turning the Olympics from what should be a celebration of human achievement to a stinking pile of over commercialism but just hearing about it annoys me.

What started as a joke by a clothing company has turned into a movement protesting against LOCOG and the way it treats anyone who doesn’t give them money as complete shit.

Wine merchant Oddbins are apparently offering a 30% discount to anyone who comes into an Oddbins branch who wearing Nike trainers and has in their pocket a set of Vauxhall car keys, an RBS MasterCard, an iPhone, a bill from British Gas and a receipt for a Pepsi bought at KFC.

Ayo Akintola, the managing Director of Oddbins has issued the following statement(Via the Drum):

“The London Olympics is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the whole of the UK’s business community to come together to support our fantastic athletes and celebrate an awe-inspiring festival of sport.

“But thanks to LOCOG (London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games), any business without the tens of millions of pounds required to join the cabal of multinational brand partners for the Games are reduced to the status of beggars on the gilded streets of the Olympic movement.

“We have taken steps to ensure our planned window displays do not flout any of these asinine rules, but we are doing this primarily to highlight the absurdity of the fact that the British people – who are paying for these games – are at the same time being subject to ridiculous rules. Even though our window designs will be within the rules, we would not be surprised if LOCOG goes loco.”

You can keep track of the goings on of the Lodnod 2102 Oimplycs on their official site.

Why Don’t More Phone Manufacturers Make KeyBoards/GamePads?

Sony patent suggests an Xperia Play with dual keyboards, it's slidingly slidable

I saw this post on Engadget about a Sony Patent for a phone that had both a QWERTY Keyboard and a Gamepad, I’d love that. I blog from my phone, and I’ve also tried writing on my phone (I think this was during last years NaNoWriMo) so I’d love to have a QWERTY Keyboard that allowed me to see more text and type faster. I also play a lot of casual games on my phone and I’m not 100% sold on touch as a means of control for some of them. Particularly platformers, you just need a D-Pad and Jump buttons and shoe horning them onto a touchscreen is irritating, this is why I’ve not really played FF III on my iPad, it just hurts the pads of my fingers to play it for any amount of time.

If you aren’t going to include on on the device at least sell an addon that allows you use one externally. If I had an iPhone I’d probably have one of these things:

Although the orientation of the buttons would annoy me a little, keyboards are not meant to be a grid…

I guess now Android has support for USB controllers, but as far as I can tell no one is making them… I was to emulate classic games on my phone that is more powerful than the computer I had 10 years ago god-dammit!

There is this Gametel Portable Games Controller for Android but it’s ugly as sin:

What if Apple Designed the GameBoy?

Artist Patrick Staudt re-imagines the Nintendo GameBoy as it would have been designed by Apple. The thing is the original GameBoy was  released in 1989 at about the same time Apple released the Newton. I think for a game playing device the GameBoy is definitely more iconic and probably better designed than the Newton…

File:Nintendo Gameboy.jpgApple Newton-IMG 0454-cropped.jpgFile:Apple Newton.jpg

Also if apple designed the GameBoy right now we would probably just end up with the iPhone,iPod Touch or iPad because lets face it those products do what the GameBoy did and are both stealing market share from Nintendo and Sony.

But if hypothetically Apple’s design engineers went back in time and took with them the technological advances that allow them to make the iPhone so slime but not the retina display and their hatred for physical buttons and decided in their infinite wisdom to stick a green and black dot matrix screen on their design for the GameBoy then it might just look like this (More comments inline, Comments may be sarcastic…):

Wireless? Wirelessly connecting to what? The internet didn’t even exist at that point. And modems maxed out at 28.8K in 1989 (Or there abouts). You might have had IR connectivity but that would have been slow as hell too.

 

I’m not going to bother looking up the GameBoys max FPS I doubt it was that high…

I’m willing to bet he thought he was being clever by going that small… In that size of packaging you’d have been lucky to squeeze 8Mb into that device if you wanted room for other electronics. It wasn’t till 1991 that you could even get a 100Mb 2.5″ drive a 2.5″ drive is about the size of an iPhone…

Okay so they are designing it now… Otherwise how WiFi? The WiFi alliance wasn’t formed until 1999. Still 200 hours of gaming on a battery that fits in that case? Even with a DotMatrix screen the original GameBoy managed 10-12 hours on 4 Batteries. What fantasy world do they live in! I want to be there! But I can’t! Why am I shouting!

My thumbs have power… Also zero mechanical failure? That’s impressive, except my Old GameBoy that I got in 1989 still works, so not that impressive…

Oooh volume!

What the hell do those buttons do? I assume the are contrast buttons but that’s only because I had a GameBoy and it had contrast buttons on it.

 

Juicetank iPhone charger case

This Kickstarter is genius! The idea is to incorporate an iPhone charger into an iPhone case so you physically plug your phone into the wall. The only flaw I can see with the design is that it doesn’t incorporate a docking port which you might want to use to connect your phone to a computer or dock. The only reason I’d not get one (aside from not owning an iPhone) is that it’s designed for an Americanplug socket, I’m sure if the project goes ahead they will create one for UK/European markets though…

Design Boom

Apple Punditry

English: The logo for Apple Computer, now Appl...
I miss this logo

I’m going to weigh in on the off chance I’m right but here are my expectations for the apple announcement today:

  1. New Apple TV (I hope with a little bit of storage but I doubt it)
  2. iTV Apple TV with integrated TV, probably available in 32″ and 24″ varieties.
  3. Apps for Apple TV (I don’t own an apple TV but I assume that it doesn’t do apps) People will liken this to the Pippin
  4. Update to the iPod range, with the iPod Touch being upgraded to match the iPhone 4 without the 3G radio of course.
  5. Update to Laptop range, this has been a long time coming and a lot of people are speculating that the MacBook Pro will move to a MacBook Air like form factor.
  6. Possible bump in processors to Apples Desktops, to be honest I’ve not paid attention to the Apple Desktops in 5 years and they don’t seem to have changed aesthetically since the G5 was announced, so it’s possible that they might refresh the desktop case but I doubt it.
  7. Oh yeah iPad 3, which is annoying as I’ve only just got an iPad 2. Higher resolution screen and beefier processor seem a given, I think Apple will continue to sell the iPad 2 this time as the low end alternative moving to a two tiered model like the 3 tier model they have with the iPhone 3GS/4/4S at the moment.
  8. Something new about the App store to mark the 25 billionth app being downloaded, what? I don’t know.

I don’t think any of this is rocket science, I think it’s business as usual. I’d like to see the Apple TV turn into a console/entertainment centre but with Valve thinking about releasing one and the way that Google TV is going I think that the market is too saturated.

I know this is cliché, I don’t actually care very much as I doubt I’ll be buying anything that Apple announce today, but I thought I’d weigh in.

This is the first big Apple event since the death of Jobs, I predict lot of people are going to be comparing Tim Cook to Steve and most of them are going to say that he doesn’t have the same charisma. It’ll be interesting to see how well whatever Tim Cook announces sell without Steve’s “Reality Distortion Field”.

If Apple announce a Pippin 2 I might want one though… I really wanted a Pippin when the first one was announced.

Bandai Pippin (Atmark Player)
Image via Wikipedia

Mass Effect Infiltrator Available on iOS


Don’t @Avarinne I’m not sure her PhD can survive a version of Mass Effect that she can carry around with her…

The game is available now on the App Store for £4.99:

“Players take on the role of our protagonist, Randall Ezno, a Cerberus agent who becomes disillusioned with the organization he works for, eventually turning into one of their fiercest enemies as he uncovers the depths that Cerberus will plumb to achieve their despicable goals,” said EA of the game’s plot. “Along the way the player gathers important Intel that will be shared with the Alliance to help sway the final confrontation in Mass Effect 3 through the Galaxy @ War system.”

It looks very pretty, I’ve not had a chance to watch the video fully, I’m sure that avarinne will buy it and I’ll get a chance to look at it over her shoulder, and if I’m lucky maybe play it.